Anguish

Perfect.

Perfectly awful.

As I began writing, Parlay Pete was writhing, watching Penn State grind away in a workmanlike manner to defeat the Temple Owls.  It ends as a nine point win, no cover, parlay gone, ruining Pete's foray into the jungle that is conjoined wagering.  Northern Illinois will later go on to win at Minnesota, further plotzing in the stew.

The Razorbacks have just made a greedy mistake that led to an interception that led to what would prove to be the winning Crimson Tide touchdown. Hope is crushed a second time when Ryan Mallett, leading what could be, for Arkansas, the comeback drive, gets lazy throwing a ball out of bounds and throws it very inbounds, into the waiting arms of an Alabama defender. 

The 4 has spoken.

Stanford, led by the generally despised Jim Harbaugh, is schooling USB in real world capabilities.  The USB fight song should be Jethro Tull's "Living in the Past". 

In Texas, heretofore scorned UCLA turned the vaunted Longhorns into hamburger.

Anguish...depending on who you're rooting for.  By the way, the correct structure is "for whom you are rooting".  Correct gammar doesn't change the results.

How'd we make out on the stars? We got our bottoms whupped.

NorthTexas @ FlaAtlantic -10.  Four star failure.  Howie's gang lost the game straight up, 21-17. 

Our three star was painful.  Tulane was in the game until three minutes remained, when a 41 yard TD on an intercepted pass pushed the score to 42-23 in favor of Houston, and that's how it ended.  That would be 19 points margin, 1/2 less than we needed.  Three star loser. Also, the most boring color commentary TV announcer of the day.  Insult added to injury.

Boomer Sooners.  The boom was Oklahoma imploding.  They were 19 1/2 point favorites and won by 2.  My head hurts.

Oregon @ Boise St - 17 1/2.  Same same.  Ofer.  O-fer-Saturday.

We are negative for the season.  I don't think that this has ever happened before. In a jolt of numerologic symmetry, we are minus 4. Fear the 4.

We'll be back. 

Saturday Bonus : Parlay Pete Rides Again

Saddle up, boys and girls, and prepare to be thrilled by inimitable stylings of Two Gun Pete as he shoots from both hips.  He has referred to this choice as Parlay of the Week, Big 10 Parlay of the Week, Big 10 Parlay of the Month...there were more, each more hype induced than the last.  When he gets this worked up, there's usually something there.

The play is Penn State -13.5 (hosting Temple) and Minnesota -4 (hosting Northern Illinois University). 

The rationale, part 1:  PSU, while they haven't scored a lot, has played very well defensively. PSU gave up 14 to Youngstown State in a warm up game, 24 to Alabama in a serious contest, and then pitched a shutout against Kent State.  Temple scored 31 against Villanova, 13 on Central Michigan and 30 against fashionable Connecticut.  This one is going to be Penn State 31, Temple 13. 

The rationale, part 2: Minnesota is 0-2 at home in their sweet new stadium and due for a breakout game.  They flubbed one to South Dakota and then lost to a talented (though run by a loon) USC team, 32-21 last week.  NIU comes in at 1-2. They lost to Iowa State, beat the other Dakota (the north one) and  came up short by six against Illinois.  This week the final score will be exactly what it was last week, 28-22, with NIU on the short side again. 

First game BTN @ 2:30, second game BTN @ 7:30.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, just because I like it and think you may, as well:

Respect the 4

Two Gun and I have been wagering together for a long time.  Two Gun has tried to convince me that he has been wagering on college footbal for 58 years, a figure that, if correct, means that little grade school Two Gun was the chief miscreant of his playground in the heyday of the newly departed Eddie Fischer (the singer, not the White Sox knuckleball pitcher), in the days before Bill Haley rocked around the clock.

No matter, as the lesson that Two Gun emphasizes for this weekend is "Respect the 4", and it is advice worth heeding.  This is Week 4.  By this point in the season, the oddsmakers  have developed clear ideas about who is capable of doing what to whom and to what extent.  We have some ideas, too, so there.

Here's what we selected.

North Texas @ Florida Atlantic -10  ****
6:00 p.m.
This is the Howard Schnellenberger special.  Two Gun is a big fan of Howard Schnellenberger, the 117 year old, pipe-smoking Florida Atlantic coach.  I can't stand the smell of pipes.  It's like grandma incense.  As for FAU, Petey has emphatically stated that Florida Atlantic, in a season long display of Rodney Dangerfield Syndrome, is going to win its conference, because they are talented and because they are compelled to prove themselves to the other schools who rule the football roost in Florida.    Petey also feels that North Texas is on par, as a football club, with New Mexico (whose coach is absolutely going to get canned), losers of everything this year.  Ultimately, since Two Gun was prescient and extremely insightful with respect to his evaluation of FAU v Michigan State, I'm sticking with him here.

Tulane @ Houston -19 1/2 ***
 2:30 p.m. CBSC

Marshal Foch, whose inspirartional words included
 "Hard pressed on my right. My center is yielding.
Impossible to maneuver. Situation excellent. I attack." 
The other quote was not from Connie Selleca, it is from
George Santayana.  Yes, THAT George Santayana.
Connie Selleca actually said "Use Pantene shampoo"
which wil inspire neither soldiers nor football players.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.  Those are the sagacious words of Marshal Foch, or Colonel Sherman T. Potter, or Connie Selleca or somebody else, I'm not sure whom and I'll research it later, but no matter, as it is the content and not the author that is the main event.  Petey consulted his College Football Dead Sea Scrolls and found that in their last 4 years of meetings, Houston's Cougars have outdistanced Tulane's Green Wave by a hundred and some points.  If that is not sufficient impetus, Two Gun has invoked the law of "One Monkey Doesn't Make a Circus", a very powerful tenet of wagering and a derivative application of "less is more".  This law says that even though Houston lost its first team starting QB last week to an injury, it will not be diminished, nay, its performance will be enhanced as the rest of the players rally to support the replacement monkey, or QB in this case.  If this is confusing, just go with "Houston good, Tulane bad".  Personally, I like the monkey thing.

Oklahoma -19 1/2 @ Cincinnatti **
5:00 p.m. ESPN2
Oklahoma is on  the rise.  Cincinnatti is on the wane.  Lot of points, but the Sooners will prevail against a rather impotent Bearcat defense.  Open and shut case.

Oregon State @ Boise State -17 1/2   *
7:00 p.m. ABC
Oregon State went to the limit to prepare for its visit to Boise (which is pronounced "boy-cee" by local residents, now you know), specifically painting its practice field blue to simulate the smurf turf at Boise, though the practice field is natural grass while the smurf turf...of course it's plastic, otherwise how would it stay blue.  While we're on the topic, do you feel that it is inappropriate and unsportsmanlike that Boise wears uniforms that are the same color as their field?  Further, can you watch an entire game at the smurf turf stadium without getting a headache?  To further exacerbate this dilemma, I am concerned that my tv set will run out of blue when I watch games that are taking place there.  How did the tv makers know that I would watch a blue field?  Green, we have plenty of green, but blue, not so much.  Boise is working toward a championship.  Oregon State will be  another speedbump.

In closing, last night was all about the U.  Happy-happy-joy-joy to ol' Doc Cushion, our most lettered U-fan.

Still closing, Two Gun is releasing a Big10 parlay tomorrow morning, so save a few schnigs to fire away at that one.

Finally closing, Lindsay Lohan failed a drug test and has been returned to jail for violating her probation.  I'm not sure I can cope with this terrible news.