Pam Ward has Moved Up to Worse

On Tuesday evening, I was delighted to discover that the wasteland of Tuesday night television would be enlivened by big time football, Louisiana Tech @ Boise State. After checking to assure that the blue color cartridge was full on the junior big screen (the big big screen is in the basement, and "Little Big Screen" sounds wrong, like a Native American television, though that reminds me of one of my favorite jokes, the one about how Native Americans name their newborns), I parked my carcass, eagerly anticipating a night of bonus entertainment.

Then she showed up.




The pride of Whatsamotta U.



"She" is Beth Mowins.  Beth Mowins is a play-by-play announcer for ESPN, a woman who has previously announced mostly women's sports.  She sounds like a slightly more butch version of Pam Ward, a little bit like Reba McIntyre without the drawl.  I can't stand Reba McIntyre, either, but at least she is good enough to not show up on my TV during football games. A couple of times when Beth Mowins got excited she sounded like Rocky the Flying Squirrel, and I will not forgive that, as I have always been partial to Rocket J. Squirrel.



  I thought that Pam Ward was in a class by herself until Beth Mowins showed up; now I have two announcers whom I despise.  When I thought Pam Ward was the only one of her kind, it was appropriate to declare her "worst", because it was a gender unspecified superlative distinction.  Now that there are two loathsome announcers, Pam Ward must be "worse", one of two, which is a linguistic promotion, from "worst" to "worse", but a ranking demotion, as the introduction of another person above makes her, by definition, one rank further down.

This is a conundrum. 

It is also yet another display of disrespect for Boise State, the Rodney of big time football programs, that ESPN couldn't (wouldn't?) scrape up anyone better (which would be anyone --other than Pam Ward) to do this game.


Quiz! This is a photo of:

 A. Purdue's Conundrum

 B. Purdue's World Largest Drum

 C. Purdue running "Big Drum over right tackle"

 D. Pledges from Delta house stealing band equipment

 Purdue @ Illinois -15 1/2 ****
Saturday 11:00 a.m. ESPN2
Illini are rolling, Purdue is rolling over. The Illini  just kicked the crap out of Indiana, 43-13, and they have been playing better as the season has progressed.  Illinois has lots of talent, it's always a question of discipline with them.  Purdue has had a rough ride this season, with the exception of their visit to Evanston, when the Northwestern Wildcats gave them a "W" as a lovely parting gift.  The Illini do not have the charitable streak that NU has shown, so the Boilermakers are screwed. It's dangerous to wager big on Illinois with a big point spread, and we're just the guys to throw caution to the winds. 


NIU -9 1/2 @ Western Michigan ***
Saturday 11:00 a.m.  ESPN-GP, pretty much ="no TV"


Alternate motto.  Next week we'll
have the new theme song for
Chicago: "O Come O Come
Emanuel"

 With the reign of the bewildered despot Pat Quinn about to come to an end in the Land of Lincoln (we suggest changing our license plate motto  to "Land of Indictments"), our statewide confidence (at least in its football teams) is rising, so we're throwing down on the state's hottest team, the Huskies of Northern Illinois.  Jerry's Kids have been rolling, five wins in a row.  Last week they whipped Central Michigan 33-7, and this week they will confront a Western Michigan squad that just administered an arse whipping to the University of Akron.  The Huskies ain't the Zips.   Isn't that profound?

Northwestern -3 @ Indiana **
Saturday 11:00 a.m. BTN
Northwestern is going to put up 35 to 40 points, and they should hold Indiana to 10 to 13.  It's that simple.  You just read what NU and Indiana have been doing--oh yeah, don't forget, NU gave away another one last week, to Michigan State--so there's no need to rehash all this.  We're all Illinois for the first three wagers this week:  making a three team Illinois parlay, to boot.  Note to NU : you are not required to bring a "W" to Bloomington as a gift to your hosts.  This is life in the ObamaRama, Mama: expect to be given everything.

Miami Ohio -2 1/2 @ Buffalo *
Saturday 2:30 p.m. No TV of any kind that I can find

Mother and I enjoy a spirited afternoon
of football on the Philco.  Four more payments
and it's all ours!

Miami comes in 4-4, still smarting from a 34-14 pasting at the hands of the Ohio Bobcats last week.  Buffalo, 2-5, held Temple to just 42 points last week while themselves abstaining from infringing upon the end zone.  We shalll wait excitedly next to the wireless in the parlor for news of this one to come in, as there appears to be no television broadcast of any kind for this contest.  Buffalo will be buried under many feet of snow soon, so they may have already evacuated all the television crews.

There are many great match ups this weekend. Plan ahead, get your chores done early, and take it all in.  If you're restless and you live in this part of the world, Four Winds is giving away two Ford pickup trucks on Saturday, and somebody's gotta win.  Sunday is Halloween, so remember that those Tootsie Rolls and Reese's in the pantry are not for you, and you should not give the Trick or Treaters cigarettes or left over Valium.