Morons, Gators & Butternut Squash : Just Another Football Saturday

I started football Saturday with my trusty remote at my side and an optimistic outlook for our day's prognostications. The giggly outlook turned quickly.

Northwestern started out getting sliced up by Eastern Michigan's offense. The NU defense stiffened, EM missed a field goal and the 'Cats quickly put three TD's up on the board. I started worrying that the "under" bet was going to dissolve quickly.

Meanwhile, a steady rain fell on the Swamp, and footballs were falling from the grasp of Gators left and right. The lads from Troy State appeared to be gaining confidence in their bid to launch an upset of #1 Florida.

Back in Bloomington, the Lynch mob came out motivated and built a healthy halftime lead over Western Michigan. I left the TV behind and headed to a party at Cog Hill (thank you, Tracy & Sue).

We strolled over to watch Tiger hit a beautiful tee shot on the par 3 sixth hole. You know how irritating it is when you're watching golf on TV and you hear the morons yell "get in the hole!" after every shot? It is even more annoying to experience this in person, when it is hollered at a 244 yard tee shot whizzing through the air at 6 million miles an hour. If a golf ball had ears I hardly think that it would heed the demands of a screaming hooligan. The idiocracy apparently does not bother Mr. Woods, who navigated the newly redesigned Dubs Dread with a course record 62, hollering yahoos notwithstanding.

**** Florida -36 1/2 v. Troy, WINNER
It rained. Fumbles rained. It rained some more. Urban Meyer, who rarely looks happy, looks quite glum when he is wet and his team is somnambulent (click for edification). Tebow fumbled to start the second quarter. Troy was hanging just 4 points back. Urban was setting new lows in glumliness looking. Then the Gators hit the gas and didn't lift until they had earned us a four star winner 56-6. Just that simple. Chomp!

*** Northwestern and Eastern Michigan, Under 54, WINNER
I am going to look past the fact that I expected NU to give EMich a beatdown. I am going to look past the fact that NU squandered a big lead, butchered a punt reception, invited their guests to make a run at them and needed a 50 yard field goal in the final seconds to escape with a victory. All that is not so bad, as 27+24= 3 stars for my wagering team. NU better look out next week at Syracuse.

** Western Michigan +1 1/2 @ Indiana, LOSER
Indiana opens the season 2-0, good for them. Western Michigan spotted them a big lead and couldn't make it up in the second half, though IU was pushed as far as taking a safety in the closing minute and giving the visitors a couple of shots at a dramatic win. Final 23-19, Indiana wins and we lose. On second thought, screw Indiana.

* Air Force+1 1/2 @ Minnesota , LOSER
I am outing them, Minnesota has the most hideous uniforms in college football. They are the color of butternut squash, which is ok if one plans to chop up the offending item and cook it into submission, a treatment that I believe is highly inappropriate for offensive football clothing. I couldn't tell if the contrasting "overripened butternut squash" color on the shirts was from the players sweating or if it is a complementary built-in color. I recall that there is some revolting flavor of baby food that is similar in color to the uniforms. So nauseating is this color--and it is enhanced in its nauseatingness by HDTV, that I had to keep flipping channels to see some of the best looking uniforms in football, those worn by the Illinois State University Cardinals, and witness the arse-whipping they were getting from the Juice-less Illini.

Upon further review, the chameleon effect occurring on the uniforms is definetly caused by perspiration. Some of the laboring large lads were changing colors right before my eyes, like a tequila induced nightmare, and it wasn't pretty.

The game was 3-3 at the half, and Wayne Larivee had told us many times what a fine, historic football program the Squashtones of Minnesota had. Colorful, too, Wayne-O. Back on the field, Air Force scores. The Squash are sweating more, looking like a two color tie-dye job, but they retaliate. Their countermeasures are effective, and the game is tied early in Q4.

Suddenly, a fumble, and a Minnesota defender rambles 51 yards for a TD as Wayne-O screams apoplectic approval. 17-10, MN. Then a MN field goal, now 20-10. Looks bad, as our guys aren't tearing it up offensively.

Pause here for Messin' With Sasquatch commercial. I love the Messin' With Sasquatch commercials.

The defensive TD by the SquashTones proves decisive, 20-13 the final, and we don't get to even after Week 2. Let them have their day. I am reminded of the tale about the drunk who tries to start a conversation with a less than attractive member of the opposite sex, who rebuffs him, shrieking that he is clearly inebriated. The drunk rationalizes his rejection, informing the woman "That's ok. Tomorow I'll be sober, but you'll still be ugly."

Like those uniforms, and we shall battle another day.

Money Cures Depression

Sorry I'm late. I was depressed. Then I had to earn my daily bread. Then I fell asleep early.

This week's prognostications are being presented without the valued input of Two Gun Pete, who has chosen these two weeks to park his carcass on a lakeshore in northern Michigan where he has no access to the internet, no cell phone signal and no concern about either of those circumstances.

Let's make some money this week!

**** Troy @ Florida –36 ½
The Gators tuned up against an inferior Charleston Southern team, 62-3. Troy lost to Bowling Green 31-14. Two Gun frequently reminds me that Urban Meyer has no soul. He is not referring to Meyer's inability to dance fun-kay style, but to Meyer's propensity to savor complete and utter destruction of Gator opponents. I’m seeing the Gators here, about 51-10.

*** Eastern Michigan visits Northwestern Under 52
Eastern Michigan scored 14 points against Army in their debut 27-14 loss. Northwestern scored 47 while giving up 14 to Towson. I’m guessing that this one goes 31-17, so under 52. I wish there was a hook on the 52, but we’ll go with it as is.

** Western Michigan +1 ½ @ Indiana
Western Michigan lost 31-7 to a revitalized Michigan team at Ann Arbor. Indiana won 19-13 over Eastern Kentucky. No cute little back story here; Western Michigan is simply better.

* Air Force +4 ½ @ Minnesota
The Golden Gophers of Minnesota beat Syracuse last week by 3 points in overtime. The only reason they didn’t lose by 3 was that the converted Duke point guard who is now playing quarterback for the Orange made a horrible choice and threw a pick instead of throwing the ball away. He wastes the down and they kick a field goal and we have a different story. Meanwhile, the Air Force bombed the Nichols State Colonels 72-0 (you didn’t think that I would pass that one up, Air Force bombed the Colonels, did you?) This game will be played in the roller rink known as the Metrodome in Minneapolis, so the speed of the USAF Academy will prove deadly to the Gophers. By the way, that is Thor, one of USAF falcons, pictured above. UPDATE / CORRECTION Don't trust me, I'm telling you, don't trust me when I rely on some...ahhhh....Anyway, this is the first game at MN's fancy new stadium. No RollerDome! Air Force gets to spoil the christening of the new building, I'm staying with the prediction while revising the venue. Sorry, I should've know better. I'm going back to the basement now to sulk.

Future Props

It will be a few days more of waiting for the first week games, but there are future props waiting for us. These are season long wagers, so it will be months before we know the results, unless there’s a complete rupture on some issue. Here we go!

• One Star Future:The futures on the 2009-2010 BCS National Champ are pretty intriguing. Tim Tebow and the Gators are the chalk at 2/1. The Oklahoma Sooners follow at 9/2. The Texas Longhorns are 11/2, and the USC Trojans are 6/1. My choice: Texas, with 16 returning starters, including QB Colt McCoy. They’re focused, they were close last year and this year will be the charm.


• Two Star Future: This one falls in behind my One Star pick. Texas is 13/10 to win the Big 12 Championship Game. OK is 8/5. It's a long ride from here to the Rose Bowl, and this will be a stepping stone. The Longhorns gotta get the Big 12 if they’re going to get the Big 1.


• Three Star Future: The Northwestern Wildcats win total for over and under is 6 ½ . Yes, I have a Wildcat bias...at heart. This is money, and it's just as solid as my allegiance: bet the OVER. NU has four non-conference opponents scheduled, three of them (Towson, E Michigan and Syracuse) to open the season and Miami O as opponent #6. Those four are a 3 victory lock, and 4 wins isn’t an unreasonable expectation. Conference foes Minnesota, Indiana and Purdue promise W’s. The NU regular season has Iowa, Illinois and Wisconsin as the final three games, all winnable. A 7 win year is good for three stars.


• Four Star Future: Tim Tebow and the Florida Gators are a prohibitive favorite to win the SEC, sitting now at 1 / 2 . Keep TT healthy and this one looks like a lock. Normally, I'd stay away from a 1/2, but we're going four months out. Take the sure thing for a little payback.

So, there are our future props. The grades won't come back on that exam for a few months, but that's the way we're starting out. Punch up your internet casinos now and take it to the bank later.