It's Time for Football

This is the week we finally get started.  Here's where our money goes:

* Illinois vs Missouri -13 1/2
Saturday at 11:30 Fox Sports Net
This is touted as a neutral site game since it's being staged in St. Louis.  It's more of an almost-home game for the Missouri Tigers, whose fan base is going to pack the house, and a house it is: the indoor playpen that is Edward Jones Stadium.  This would be a great site for a game if it was early November.  Seems that being indoors at the end of summer just ain't right.  That's the way the Illini are going to feel after Mizzou roughs 'em up at.  The Tigers have a little more of everything.  Zookwatch 2010 starts after this one.

**Northern Illinois @ Iowa State -2
Thursday at 7:00 p.m.

The Spartus football helmet clock,
 featuring"The Six O'Clock Earhole".

Two Gun Pete is nothing if not a caring and supportive man.  Except when he's apprising the Northern Illinois Huskies.  He wishes to remind all of us that it was the Huskies who will go down in history as the losers of the final edition of Toronto's International Bowl, which was, technically, international, since Canada is another country, but Toronto is pretty much like Chicago, or like Chicago would be without all the criminals and gang bangers and mutts and the crooked politicians and...ok, it was the International Bowl.  The boys from Iowa State have been a pretty good play for us over the years, and they should be able to handle the visitors from DeKalb in a Big 12 vs the MAC matchup. 
***Southern Mississippi @ South Carolina -13
Thursday at 6:30 on ESPN
Southern Miss from Conference USA takes to the road for the opener against Steve Spurrier and the Gamecocks.  It's a big step up in class for a mid-pack C-USA team against an above average SEC team, and the equation gets worse for SoMiss when the Spurrier factor is brought to bear.   We may be doing a little last minute tap dance on this one---5 of SC's starters are under scrutiny for the hotel fiasco and could be unable to participate in the opener.  Without that distraction, we're confident that the Gamecocks will cover in their home opener.  If there's 5 guys missing, we're being pushed to bet on faith...and that doesn't pay the bills.  Stay tuned.
****USC-19 @ Hawaii
Thursday night, 10 pm on ESPN
Four stars on a coach we find odious and a team that has had its sleazy side turned out for all the world to see.  USC isn't going to be allowed to go to any bowl games this year as the NCAA punishes the current players for what Reggie Bush did years ago, so I'm figuring that USC wants to make every game a little more, um, memorable.  So they're off to beautiful Hawaii  ( a better destination than almost all the bowl games ) to begin the season by thrashing the locals.  Big spread, bigger victory.

Games start Thursday evening. Enjoy the holiday.

Week One : 4 Star Pick

Cue the drum roll, please.  It's time for the big bet of week one.

OK, skip the drum roll. 

Some may accuse of us of hypocrisy.  That's not wholly inaccurate, as we rail on regularly in this space about the creepy goings on of various coaches and programs across the college football landscape, while our stated purpose here is to turn a profit from their performances.  If we pull back to a macro viewpoint, an indictment of the entire college sports world is unavoidable: kids going to school for free in return for playing games that are sold to the public.  If I ran the IRS, I'd like to figure out how to tax all this tacit compensation (free tuition and stipends and equipment and who really knows what else) that flows to all these athletes, tax free.

But our mission is not to debate that.  It is to exploit it, and so we shall.

Google your own photo of the USC cheerleaders.
This week it's all about the money. 

Our four star spotlight in the very first week of the season falls on the lovely and talented...Lane Kiffin, and his USC Trojans.  They are traveling this first week to the islands of Hawaii, where they are going to pound the hula-hula crap out of the University of Hawaii Rainbows.

Kiffin is despised in Tennessee, where he played the role of the king of the carpetbaggers.  His legend grew, as did the revulsion he elicited from Tenneseeans (how often do you see that word, Tennesseeans?) when Kiffin hired a coach from the NFL's Titans right before training camp, leaving a gaping hole where the backfield coach formerly toiled.  It mattered not to Lane Kiffin that he was further villified, as he is king of football in southern California, and the Pacific shores have very little resemblance to the Tennessee valleys, and Nashville cats don't hold up against the hardbodies of Malibu beach. 

It is this single minded narcissicism that makes this a beautiful four star play.  The spread on this game, USC @ Hawaii, opened at 19, it stands at 21, and when the actual results are final, should be over 30 points.  USC, the pantheon of PAC 10 football, along with its coach, has a lot to prove.  The school has been disgraced, its former coach fled up the coast, one of its heroes has been expunged from its history...they even returned Reggie's Heismann, for heaven's sake, the Heismann!  The administration, the heavy handed alumni, everybody connected with this team, LA's biggest autumn show, needs to get their public squarely back behind them, or realistically just give their supporters something positive to feed on, as none of them really abandoned the program.  It's all about winning.

What better setting than beautiful Hawaii?  The Rainbows haven't recaptured the glory of the June Jones years since he galloped off to save SMU.  Hawaii is overmatched, and Lane Kiffin needs to launch his legacy in grand style.  The spread is big, but not big enough.

The Trojan horns will blare, the crimson and gold will run wild, new SoCal heroes will emerge, and Kiffin will be just fine.  USC 42, Hawaii 10. 

It's all about winning.

Week One: 3 Star Pick

Once again we turn to the big shooter, Two Gun Pete, for sagacious insight on Week One, and the answer comes back "USC". That's USC as in University of South Carolina, home of the Gamecocks. Coached by Steve Spurrier, the 'Cocks have been big in the news the past week as the NCAA has begun investigating how a group of SC players can afford to live in a cushy hotel in downtown Columbia. As those questions picked up steam, one of the linemen was suspended for smacking around his girlfriend in a parking lot. Oh, yeah, they have a little quarterback controversy going, too, with a freshman giving a nice preseason performance to unsettle the veteran returning QB.

 Love that SEC football!

The Gamecock.  One of the least attractive
mascots anywhere. Distinctive, though.

Back on point, the 'Cocks open the season on Thursday night at home.  Southern Mississippi University (another bird, Southern Mississippi's team is the Eagles) will visit Columbia to get things started.  Two Gun consulted the Dead Sea Scrolls, his prized personal repository of football factoids, and developed a compelling and convincing case for the 'Cocks:

• Steve Spurrier has never lost a season opener
• USC returns 9 starters on offense
• USC returns 7 starters on defense
• USC doesn't lose at home on Thursdays (four times)
• Spurrier needs to bury the memory of a bowl game loss to Connecticut
• USC is going to challenge for the top rung of the SEC South, and finally
• Two Gun thinks Spurrier is sufficiently soul-less to want to decimate, destroy and demoralize lesser opponents in order to advance his and his team's status, reputation and ranking

 The visitors, Southern Mississippi, are going to be unable to hang wiffem (as Two Gun's favorite TV voice, Hawk Harrelson is wont to say) as this game unfolds.  Southern Miss, coached by a chap named Larry Fedora, is a member of Conference USA, where they finished 3rd in their division last year, with an overall 7-6 record. Their #1 and #2  running backs from last year are gone, their top 2 receivers, their TE, lots of people from the offense, gone.  Their defense, a pushover last year, brings back a few guys and will be better, but this is a step up in class for the Eagles, and it's going to be too large a gap.  .  SC 35, Eagles 16 as Spurrier & Co. cover. 

Next up, on Friday, the first 4 Star pick:  a bit of a rerun.

Week One : 2 Star Pick

For the 2 star selection on opening weekend, our gaze shifts westward (just a little) into the Big 12 (future membership of 10) and the geographic center of Iowa (the 29th state) toward Ames (population 51,000) and the Iowa State Cyclones (enrollment 28,000), who open their season as a favorite (2 points) when they host Jerry Kill's Northern Illinois Huskies. 

When the lines were released my cellphone began emitting what seemed to be a particularly shrill and strident call for my attention. It was Two Gun Pete, and he was nearly breathless, and it was not for that he had suddenly learned the origin of the Cyclones name. 

"Cy", the Iowa State mascot.
 Yes, he's a bird AND a cyclone.
Go figure.

We shall, at this time, hold Two Gun in breathless abeyance while we explore the origins of the name. 

Tornadoes were referred to as cyclones "back in the day". Back in the day refers herein specifically to 1895, when the Iowa State football team traveled to none other than beautiful Evanston, Illinois, to take on the touted Northwestern football team.  Iowa State crushed NU 36-0, prompting the Chicago Tribune to report that Evanston had been struck by a cyclone from Iowa, and the name stuck. 

Now, back to the current day, and the fearless prognosticator, Two Gun Pete (who will soon be unveiling a new feature, Pete's Perfect Parlay, a wager not for those lacking nerves of steel).  Pete and I share an overriding view of Northern Illinois as somewhat of an underachiever on the gridiron. His lack of ardor for the Huskies is steeled by a general distemper directed toward the MAC.  On this evening, Two Gun reminded me that I have been generally sweet on Iowa State over the years, and when that was combined with NIU's tortoise-speed ascendency into a major league football program, we had a cannot miss opportunity. 

The Huskies are ranked #49 in the Sporting News preseason.  Iowa State is ranked #82.  Both teams return veteran QB's who haven't had stout careers thus far.  NIU runs the ball well.  Really well.  They have a strong run-stopping defense.    Iowa State retooled its defense last year and is unproven at key positions.  Both teams have coaches with whom they're very happy. 

The final reckoning:  despite signs pointing to the contrary, the Cyclones at home will cover (on a defensive TD) as NIU underperforms once again.

Monday: the 3 star for opening weekend.

Week One: 1 Star Pick

It's time. 

The season kicks off on Thursday, September 2, and all of us college football junkies will have a full weekend of couch time (or Tivo time, but I can't watch games on the recorder, it's hokey, except for the Alamo Bowl, which I watch again and again, hoping the field goal will be good and the Cats win in regulation) to kick off the season.  So, where to begin? 

Opening day...indoors :(

Our one star pick for Week 1 is none other than Coach Ron Zook and the fighting Illini.

Illinois and Missouri open their seasons on Saturday, September 4 at Edward Jones Stadium in St. Louis.  Kickoff is listed at 11:30 a.m., FSN-TV.  The line opened at Missouri -12 and moved to -13 1/2, that's where we got on.  The O/U is 54.

The Illini are coming off a 3-9 season and Ron Zook (21-39 after five seasons)is getting the skunk eye from a lot of people, even if the administration says otherwise.  The team is bound to be improved by subtraction, specifically the departure of Juice Williams, a fine athlete who was miscast as a QB.  Backup QB Eddie McGee has become a receiver, paving the way for Nathan Scheelhaase to take over.  Illinois returns 5 starters on offense and 7 on defense.  A lesser known change involved the hiring of 6 new assistant coaches...hmmm. 

Missouri was 6-6 last year.  They will feature 8 returning starters on offense and 8 on defense.  QB Blaine Gabbert is back on the O-side and the linebackers are very good on the D-side.  The Tigers also have one of the best place kickers around, and that should prove to be the point difference comfort for the opener.

The game is indoors on turf.  Illinois has very talented athletes (as they always have), but Missouri is the better team, period, and while this is being touted as a neutral site game, the Tigers fans are going to pack the house.  A 2 touchdown margin on opening weekend might have been a bit much, but Missouri should pick up 3 or 4 field goals to make this a 16 point victory.

By the way, this is the State Farm Arch Rivalry Game.  Yeah, so what. 

One star on Missouri -13 1/2.

Eight Nine Ten

The supposed chupacabra is the one on the left.

That's today's date (eight nine ten) so play the lottery, and the locals think they killed a couple of chupacabras in Texas (unrelated to numerology, but an ongoing interest of mine, like the Somali pirates).

Beyond that, I have little to offer today, sorry.  I have been overwhelmed with the local coverage of niffle preseason (meaningless, for the most part) and digested a boatload of gossip and foolishness about our chosen field of battle, college football, but I've found nothing of great importance to share with you.  USC is fighting within itself, Brian Kelly is being heralded on most fronts as a wonderful guy, the NCAA cops are targeting Lane Kiffin's last place of employment in an investigation and most of it isn't very important.

For opening weekend of our investments, Two Gun has already placed cash on the barrelhead on Steve Spurrier ('Cocks -14) and against Jerry Kill (Iowa State Cyclones -2, hosting Northern Illinois).  More on those later. 

Maybe the Mean Green should change their name to the Chupacabras...or does that sound more like one those soccer teams that play on Telemundo late night tv?   "Bienvenido a Telemundo futbol...Chivas vs Chupacabras!!!"  Where do we get the spiritwear concession?

Happy Monday...meh.

Miles is An Anagram for:

Slime.

I cannot tell the story any better than you will find it told here.

Remind me about this when we bet on them sometime this season. 

Or not.

Get It

They don't and they won't for long.

Sergio and Terrence.

One was a Texas Longhorn, the other was part of the Tide's national champions.  They're both getting paid now (above the table) and I predict they are going to need to save some money while they can get it. 

'Cause I don't think either of them is going to continue to get it -the money- for long.

Sergio Kindle was a multi-tasking linebacker for the 'Horns. Terrence Cody is a behemoth who performed for Alabama.  You may remember Terrence from the locker room picture of the big critter with hideous man-boobs...that would be Terrence.  Both are members of the Baltimore Ravens now--both players, that is.  I am not referring to the man-boobs anymore, although they are now part of the Ravens, too. 

Aaaargh.... I'm having a memory induced blindness attack.

Sergio and Terrence should both save some of their big paydays, because they're neither of them going to be going a long way in the niffle (that's phonetic NFL). 

Sergio will miss all of his first training camp after sustaining a fractured skull while falling down two flights of stairs.  Sergio has narcolepsy.  Baltimore has a rookie narcoleptic linebacker with a fractured skull.

I had to write that last sentence just to see how funny it looks.  Do preseason fractured skulls count toward season stats?

Terrence joined his new employers' workouts a day late because he couldn't pass the physical on the first day, specifically the part that requires the player to sprint 25 yards and back, shuttles, with rest time in between.  Terrence manned up and passed the test on the second day, by which time he had earned the new nickname "Cheeseburger".  They might have put cheeseburgers 25 yards apart and spared poor Terrence the embarassment.

This whole sordid episode might have been avoided had the coaches been sufficiently foresighted to give Terrence the responsibility for keeping Sergio awake and reciprocal repsonsibility to Sergio to keep Terrence from eating himself into a separate zip code.  Sort of a shake and bake stay awake but skip the cake arrangement.

These two guys were the Ravens top 2 draft choices this past year, the pride of their alma mater(s). 

Zzzzzzz...urp. Zzzzzz....urp. Zzzzzz...urp.  Get it?

Start the Countdown

Today is the beginning of Big 10 Media Days in Chicago.  Locally you can catch snippets on all the TV news stations and the radio talk shows will be loading up.  Big 10 Network will have coverage if you're located outside the Chicago area.  The economy still sucking has cost me...I have no invitations to anything.  That is life on the periphery.

Speaking of living on the edge, an SEC team once again strides right past the edge.  Houston Nutt and Mississippi have brought Jeremiah Masoli, the disgraced Oregon Duck, into the fold and it appears that he'll be their QB this fall.  Masoli is a bright guy, he's already graduated from Oregon, so he's enrolled in grad school at Ole Miss to use his final year of eligibility--without any waiting period.  It looks like Masoli is skating away from the charges that were filed against him back on the left coast, just in time to be a Rebel.  Houston, we have a problem child.

Football games start one month from today.  Two Gun Pete is in mid-season form, having informed me that his first week already includes a Pete's Perfect Pick, a promise of prodigious prognostication.  He has presented the statistical argument to me, and it is indeed compelling.  Two Gun has also begun to stir up excitement for his Pete's Powerful Parlay of the Week.  Proceed with the parlays, people, at your own risk!

The first weekend of football starts on Thursday, September 2.  This is Labor Day weekend, and there are five days of football, Thursday through Monday.  There will be lots of profit opportunities spread out over the weekend, some of them in games that are not likely to be spellbinding from a competitive standpoint but are going to be a hoot when you figure in the spread.  Some notorious games for this weekend:

Thursday
Minnesota @ Middle Tennessee State--we get to see whether MN can be for real
Southern Mississippi @ South Carolina--Steve Spurrier's team carries a lot of promise
Pittsburgh @ Utah--best game of the day, competition-wise
USC @ Hawaii--the debut of Kiffin.  Whatever the spread, we'll take USC

Friday
Friday offers two games, Villanova @ Temple and Arizona @ Toledo .  How can we turn our backs on the Rockets on the first weekend? 

Next time, we'll look at opening Saturday's games.