Anguish

Perfect.

Perfectly awful.

As I began writing, Parlay Pete was writhing, watching Penn State grind away in a workmanlike manner to defeat the Temple Owls.  It ends as a nine point win, no cover, parlay gone, ruining Pete's foray into the jungle that is conjoined wagering.  Northern Illinois will later go on to win at Minnesota, further plotzing in the stew.

The Razorbacks have just made a greedy mistake that led to an interception that led to what would prove to be the winning Crimson Tide touchdown. Hope is crushed a second time when Ryan Mallett, leading what could be, for Arkansas, the comeback drive, gets lazy throwing a ball out of bounds and throws it very inbounds, into the waiting arms of an Alabama defender. 

The 4 has spoken.

Stanford, led by the generally despised Jim Harbaugh, is schooling USB in real world capabilities.  The USB fight song should be Jethro Tull's "Living in the Past". 

In Texas, heretofore scorned UCLA turned the vaunted Longhorns into hamburger.

Anguish...depending on who you're rooting for.  By the way, the correct structure is "for whom you are rooting".  Correct gammar doesn't change the results.

How'd we make out on the stars? We got our bottoms whupped.

NorthTexas @ FlaAtlantic -10.  Four star failure.  Howie's gang lost the game straight up, 21-17. 

Our three star was painful.  Tulane was in the game until three minutes remained, when a 41 yard TD on an intercepted pass pushed the score to 42-23 in favor of Houston, and that's how it ended.  That would be 19 points margin, 1/2 less than we needed.  Three star loser. Also, the most boring color commentary TV announcer of the day.  Insult added to injury.

Boomer Sooners.  The boom was Oklahoma imploding.  They were 19 1/2 point favorites and won by 2.  My head hurts.

Oregon @ Boise St - 17 1/2.  Same same.  Ofer.  O-fer-Saturday.

We are negative for the season.  I don't think that this has ever happened before. In a jolt of numerologic symmetry, we are minus 4. Fear the 4.

We'll be back. 

Saturday Bonus : Parlay Pete Rides Again

Saddle up, boys and girls, and prepare to be thrilled by inimitable stylings of Two Gun Pete as he shoots from both hips.  He has referred to this choice as Parlay of the Week, Big 10 Parlay of the Week, Big 10 Parlay of the Month...there were more, each more hype induced than the last.  When he gets this worked up, there's usually something there.

The play is Penn State -13.5 (hosting Temple) and Minnesota -4 (hosting Northern Illinois University). 

The rationale, part 1:  PSU, while they haven't scored a lot, has played very well defensively. PSU gave up 14 to Youngstown State in a warm up game, 24 to Alabama in a serious contest, and then pitched a shutout against Kent State.  Temple scored 31 against Villanova, 13 on Central Michigan and 30 against fashionable Connecticut.  This one is going to be Penn State 31, Temple 13. 

The rationale, part 2: Minnesota is 0-2 at home in their sweet new stadium and due for a breakout game.  They flubbed one to South Dakota and then lost to a talented (though run by a loon) USC team, 32-21 last week.  NIU comes in at 1-2. They lost to Iowa State, beat the other Dakota (the north one) and  came up short by six against Illinois.  This week the final score will be exactly what it was last week, 28-22, with NIU on the short side again. 

First game BTN @ 2:30, second game BTN @ 7:30.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, just because I like it and think you may, as well:

Respect the 4

Two Gun and I have been wagering together for a long time.  Two Gun has tried to convince me that he has been wagering on college footbal for 58 years, a figure that, if correct, means that little grade school Two Gun was the chief miscreant of his playground in the heyday of the newly departed Eddie Fischer (the singer, not the White Sox knuckleball pitcher), in the days before Bill Haley rocked around the clock.

No matter, as the lesson that Two Gun emphasizes for this weekend is "Respect the 4", and it is advice worth heeding.  This is Week 4.  By this point in the season, the oddsmakers  have developed clear ideas about who is capable of doing what to whom and to what extent.  We have some ideas, too, so there.

Here's what we selected.

North Texas @ Florida Atlantic -10  ****
6:00 p.m.
This is the Howard Schnellenberger special.  Two Gun is a big fan of Howard Schnellenberger, the 117 year old, pipe-smoking Florida Atlantic coach.  I can't stand the smell of pipes.  It's like grandma incense.  As for FAU, Petey has emphatically stated that Florida Atlantic, in a season long display of Rodney Dangerfield Syndrome, is going to win its conference, because they are talented and because they are compelled to prove themselves to the other schools who rule the football roost in Florida.    Petey also feels that North Texas is on par, as a football club, with New Mexico (whose coach is absolutely going to get canned), losers of everything this year.  Ultimately, since Two Gun was prescient and extremely insightful with respect to his evaluation of FAU v Michigan State, I'm sticking with him here.

Tulane @ Houston -19 1/2 ***
 2:30 p.m. CBSC

Marshal Foch, whose inspirartional words included
 "Hard pressed on my right. My center is yielding.
Impossible to maneuver. Situation excellent. I attack." 
The other quote was not from Connie Selleca, it is from
George Santayana.  Yes, THAT George Santayana.
Connie Selleca actually said "Use Pantene shampoo"
which wil inspire neither soldiers nor football players.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.  Those are the sagacious words of Marshal Foch, or Colonel Sherman T. Potter, or Connie Selleca or somebody else, I'm not sure whom and I'll research it later, but no matter, as it is the content and not the author that is the main event.  Petey consulted his College Football Dead Sea Scrolls and found that in their last 4 years of meetings, Houston's Cougars have outdistanced Tulane's Green Wave by a hundred and some points.  If that is not sufficient impetus, Two Gun has invoked the law of "One Monkey Doesn't Make a Circus", a very powerful tenet of wagering and a derivative application of "less is more".  This law says that even though Houston lost its first team starting QB last week to an injury, it will not be diminished, nay, its performance will be enhanced as the rest of the players rally to support the replacement monkey, or QB in this case.  If this is confusing, just go with "Houston good, Tulane bad".  Personally, I like the monkey thing.

Oklahoma -19 1/2 @ Cincinnatti **
5:00 p.m. ESPN2
Oklahoma is on  the rise.  Cincinnatti is on the wane.  Lot of points, but the Sooners will prevail against a rather impotent Bearcat defense.  Open and shut case.

Oregon State @ Boise State -17 1/2   *
7:00 p.m. ABC
Oregon State went to the limit to prepare for its visit to Boise (which is pronounced "boy-cee" by local residents, now you know), specifically painting its practice field blue to simulate the smurf turf at Boise, though the practice field is natural grass while the smurf turf...of course it's plastic, otherwise how would it stay blue.  While we're on the topic, do you feel that it is inappropriate and unsportsmanlike that Boise wears uniforms that are the same color as their field?  Further, can you watch an entire game at the smurf turf stadium without getting a headache?  To further exacerbate this dilemma, I am concerned that my tv set will run out of blue when I watch games that are taking place there.  How did the tv makers know that I would watch a blue field?  Green, we have plenty of green, but blue, not so much.  Boise is working toward a championship.  Oregon State will be  another speedbump.

In closing, last night was all about the U.  Happy-happy-joy-joy to ol' Doc Cushion, our most lettered U-fan.

Still closing, Two Gun is releasing a Big10 parlay tomorrow morning, so save a few schnigs to fire away at that one.

Finally closing, Lindsay Lohan failed a drug test and has been returned to jail for violating her probation.  I'm not sure I can cope with this terrible news.

An Uneven Weekend

When you start the Saturday action with four stars in the bank, things feel a little bit better just getting out of bed.  We banked 4 on NC State on Thursday night, so that's how it was for us.  Starting the day, Arizona State, the 3 star play for the week, performed just as well as we hoped for, succumbing 20-19 to Wisconsin.  Carrying a 13 1/2 point handicap, that was a handy 3 star win for us.

Props to the Owls, an ornithological lesson
 learned the hard way for us.  Owls can
rotate their heads up to 270 degrees.They
devour their prey whole.  Like Connecticut.

The Temple Owls, friends, made the naysayers (us) pay for our lack of faith.  The Owls were 6 1/2 point dogs and won the game straight up 30-16, making that a 20 1/2 point cover and a 1 star loser for the good guys.

Our 2 star featured Clemson at Auburn.  Clemson played very intelligently; they made few mistakes, but a big one at the end cost them the game. Auburn, on the other hand, made quite a few, and they were blatant and costly throughout, reflective of their generally inconsistent play habit, back and forth from exciting to frustrating.   Clemson pounded the Tigers first, going up 17-0 on a highlight reel TD catch with 1:14 to go in the first half.  In the second half everything was turned around, and Auburn charged to a 24-17 lead at the end of Q3.  Clemson came back to tie (thanks to to 2 phantom foul calls on the Auburn defense, terrible calls), and that's where regulation ended, tied at 24.  In OT Auburn kicked a FG on their possession.  Clemson kicked one to tie, but the center was called for an illegal snap.  The second attempt, after the penalty was no good, game over, 2 star loss for us. 

We had a few dollars laid down on the side and didn't fare well there either. Kiffin & Co were the front end of Parlay Pete's first foray of the year, and they won by 11 as 11 point favorites, killing the parlay possibility very dead, very early.  How did this happen, you may ask...early in the game, USC failed on a 2 point conversion attempt.  Why, oh why, would you worry about leading 15-7 instead of 14-7 in the first quarter? Throughout the game, they went 0-3 on 2 point attempts.  Did I tell you, I can't stand this guy.  It is official : stay away from Kiffin College, they are buzzkill incorporated.  Pete Carroll didn't do stupid shit like that. 

We also figured that the Cal Bears had another good week in them before the Bears started their annual hibernation.  Nuh-uh.  Nevada ran over Cal like a beer truck flattening a squirrel.

We took Texas & Texas Tech over 50 1/2.  They scored 21 in the first quarter and the prospects were great.  Didn't turn out that way.

The star bets were ok. The side bets, not so much.  Grudgefest 2010, the other big event of the weekend (that took away most of my Saturday TV time) was a pleasant little gathering after all, as all the troublemakers in the family were not invited to the family reunion.  No drama.  Just as well.

It's Hard to Sing in Print

Last night's four star game, everybody sing :  nothin' could be fine-a than 4 stars on Carolina...NC State 30, Cincinatti 19. 

Here's the rest of our picks for the weekend.  There is an analysis to accompany each one, but I've run out of time for Thursday night.  First, the new lacrosse goals were delivered, then we headed off to the lacrosse workouts we run on Tuesday and Thursdays for the the high school team, then Grandma called to make sure we were still coming to the family reunion ("GrudgeFest 2010") and it was all I could do just to post the picks.  I'll try to fill in the blanks on the analysis in the morning.

Arizona State +15 1/2 @ Wisconsin***
Saturday 2:30 ABC

Clemson @ Auburn -6**
Saturday 6:00 ESPN

Connecticut -6 1/2 @ Temple*
Saturday 11:00   MASN (DirectTv 640)

Four Star Thursday

They come around none too frequently, and this is the first of the season for us. Ladies and gents, I give you...Pete's Perfect Pick. It is our 4 Star recommendation for Week 3.


Cincinnati @ North Carolina State -2
Tonight, 6:30 on ESPN
These short weeks are murder! Fortunately, Two Gun Pete has been studiously poring over his gridiron dead sea scrolls and offers up an endorsement on the home team, the NC State Wolfpack. Thursday night home teams have been stout, NC State has a pretty good passing offense that it will send against a not so great Cincinnati pass defense, the home team opened as a dog and was quickly bet to the other side, and there is more but it's really late and I must sleep a little.

-------------FF to Thursday morning-------------

Cincinatti, last year's media darling, is acclimating to a new coach in the wake of Carpetbagger Kelly's ride up I-65 to the University of South Bend.  The Bearcats started with a 28-14 loss to Fresno State followed by a big win over Indiana State.  Appraising them as the sum total of those two games is a big "idunno".

Here is a movie poster for the 1971 feature
fiilm, "Football Helmets from Outer Space".

NC State has an equally unimportant pair of games in its portfolio right now: at 48-7 win over Western Carolina and a 28-21 win over Central Florida.  The O-line play is questionable, but we expect they'll be serviceable tonight. The difference in this game, as we see it, is that in this short week, the home team walks to work tonight while the visitors have to deal with the added challenge of getting there. 

NC State by a touchdown.

Better Bettor

With four stars in the bank as Saturday began, I felt pretty good.  First game of the day for us was Hawaii at Army, a game I watched concurrently with the Northwestern blowout of  Illinois State and a great battle (for the first half) at Gainesville between the Gators and USF.

The hopes and dreams got squashed pretty quickly for the one star, as Hawaii shredded Army on the opening drive and then ripped off a couple more scores with little apparent resistance.  I'm thinking "it's the Army!  It's their job to defend".  Nay-nay.  We bet Under 52, and the two of them were tied at 28 partway through the 3rd quarter.  After they pushed it to 56, as if to vex me, the two teams proceeded to go scoreless for well over a quarter.  You guys couldn't have played a little D a little sooner?  Final: Rainbows 31,Army 28, one star loser.

Saturday evening, I got tired of watching LSU stumble around in the first quarter andd decided to go out for a while.  The big screen in the basement at Empress shared the news that the Tigers got untracked and gave Vandy a proper whipping and put two stars on our board.  Merci beaucoup, mes amis. 

No one wants to watch New Mexico get clobbered any more,
so the Lobos will be using hot referees to try to attract fans. 

That left 3 stars dangling in the breeze over New Mexico stadium.  The answer, friends, is a resounding yes, New Mexico IS that bad.  Worse, maybe.  Gave up 3 TD's from bad kicking team plays.  Special teams my arse, nothing special about them.  Then NM's QB started slinging the ball to the wrong color shirts.  Then they started fumbling.  Tommy Tuberville's Texas Tech team, on the other hand, was only too happy to continue to pound the living daylights out of the Lobos.  Leading 52-17 with under 2 minutes to go, TT was still throwing the ball.  No matter, as the Lobos had given up.   Put UNM coach Mike Locksley up real high on the Head Coaching Job Dead Pool list.  Outscored 124-17 in their first two games, yechh!  This was a bad choice by yours truly, 3 stars down the old crapperoo.

All in, 6 plus, 4 minus, so we win a little.

Never Forget

Everything's Bigger in...Starkville

The SEC in-conference season opened with big QB's (both of 'em large and talented), big plays on both sides, the jumbo-est Jumbotron outside of Dallas ( 152 feet wide, 135 feet tall, and it is HD!), and a big 4-star win for us. 

For $6 million, you can have one, too.  Ladies, it's never too
 early to start Christmas shopping for that special guy.Double click
on the photo to get a full screen rendering.  It's huge. 

Auburn quickly established its game, with their big QB running and throwing to open up a pounding inside run game, drawing first blood to go up 7-0.  Their defense then did a bend-don't-break stand, only to fumble away the Mississippi State punt .  That led to a tying TD.  Auburn took charge again with a pair of scoring drives to take a 17-7 halftime lead, though I was puzzled by Auburn's decision not to even try a long 3 as the half expired.

Mississippi State came out for the second half like their hair was on fire and quickly closed the gap to 17-14.  MState followed the score with an onside kick that the kicker himself recovered, trying to seize the offensive momentum they had established.  The Auburn defense came up really big and snuffed the threat.

As the fourth quarter wound down, it was MState's turn to shine on defense.  They pulled off a very dramatic bend-don't break of their own, blocking a FG try by Auburn with 2 1/2 to play.  MState put on a show, converting a beautiful 4th down play as the clock ticked down.  Auburn's D counterpunched with a pair of great plays before committing pass interference on 3rd down to inject life into a flagging MState drive.  It was a dropped pass on the ensuing 3rd down that finally let the air out of the comeback balloon, followed by a busted play on 4th down to make it official.  Mississippi State made fewer mistakes, but Auburn showed veteran composure. 

Bottom line: a 4 star winner.

Reload and Fire!

Today isn't Friday and here we are, making the short week shorter by picking a Thursday night game.  Away we go...

Following an opening weekend that brought us zip zero zilch nada (other than angst), there is a bit of reluctance to load 'em up for week two. 

Begone, uncertainty, foil of the weak!  It's time to gitterdone.

Auburn -2 @ Mississippi State ****
Thursday, 6:30 p.m. ESPN

Here is a startling photo of two airplanes apparently humping
at Columbus Air Force Base, near Starkville, Mississississetc

It's the SEC opener for both of these teams, and it's the second of three games in which Mississippi faces off against the Tigers-- (1) Memphis last week (2) Auburn this week and (3) LSU next week, Tigers all.  It was the Bulldogs in a 49-7 romp over Memphis (C-USA) last week.  It will not be so much fun in Starkville this week, when a very talented Auburn team comes calling.  Auburn beat Arkansas State (Sunbelt) 52-26 in its opener last week.  Auburn has a little more of everything, and that makes this 2 point spread pretty attractive.  I think it should be more, but it is, after all, Starkville.

Texas Tech @ New Mexico+25 ***
Saturday 7:00 p.m. MTN
Tommy Tuberville rolled into Lubbock with the challenge of making the ghost of Mike Leach go away.  He took a step in that direction last week by topping in state rival SMU and June Jones 35-27.  New Mexico was roadkill in their opener at Oregon, trailing 59-0 at halftime and rallying to lose 72-0, holding the second and third team Ducks to 13 points in the second half. So the Lobos are going to lose this week, the big question is "by how much".  Can they hold the spread under 25?  Yup.  They'll lose by 24.  TT 45, NM 21.


LSU-10 @ Vanderbilt **
Saturday, 6:00 p.m. ESPNU
Nineteenth ranked LSU (home of the Fighting Anagram) heads up the pike a little bit to Nashville to visit the Commodores, who will be playing their second consecutive home game.  Vandy opened against Northwestern last week and  came up short, losing 23-21, thanks in part to some stupid penalties.  They're pretty average in most parts of the game, and they played very inspired (in the second half) against NU.  LSU started out its season by beating a pretty good North Carolina team, 30-24.  Vandy's hungry to break a home losing streak, but LSU has too much talent.  I have a counter argument with respect to this game that is an all or nothing proposition: Vandy either fails to cover (the likely scenario and the one where the money goes) or...wins this game outright.  I think it's LSU 30, Vanderbilt 17. 

Hawaii @ Army Under 52  *
Saturday 11:00 a.m. CBSC
Hawaii was supposed to get crushed by USC last week at home.  Instead, the Rainbows put up 36 points on the allegedly strong USC defense.  Too bad for them they gave up 49.  The Army beat Eastern Michigan (MAC) 31-27 and debuted their new QB, a transfer from Air Force (who had to give up a year of eligibility to transfer; seems wrong to lose a year transferring between service academies).  At first blush, this would seem to be a recipe for a scoring jamboree.  I think it's going the other way.  Hawaii is traveling from the middle of the Pacific to the edge of the Atlantic, and it's not going to be nearly as hospitable as their lovely lanai on the island.  Army isn't going to give up 36.  Neither will Army march on the end zone as frequently as they did against Eastern Michigan.  Pregame ceremonies will commemorate the 9/11 attack on New York and the Pentagon, putting up a little more distraction.  Army is favored by 2, which calculates to 27-25.  I think it's going to be a little under that,  24-23, Hawaii the winner, though that part doesn't matter.  Just so it stays under 52.

That Wasn't Much Fun

Cartoon legend Tennessee Tuxedo,
 who also despises Lane Kiffin.

I've been waiting for Week 1 since they handed over the BCS trophy last January, so the results of our inaugural wagers are more than a little disappointing.  Kiffin and Co. assured my lasting enmity for the foreseeable future.  Minus 4 is a hideous number, and having it in the top left corner is akin to getting a cyclops zit on the morning of senior prom.  Me 'n Tennessee, we hate Lane Kiffin.

Steve Spurrier came through, giving rise to my dubbing them the New Real USC.  Two Gun Pete gets credit for putting a plus 3 on the board, as he scoped this one out early with his earnest research of his famed Dead Sea Scrolls.

The Cyclones of Iowa State performed sufficiently well to take advantage of Northern Illinois' penchant for underwhelming performances, plus 2 for the good guys.

That left us with an early Saturday game featuring the Illini to determine whether we ended with a plus or a push.  I felt some negative vibes on this one for a few days, and the vibes prevailed.  New Illinois QB Nathan Scheelhaase is a really good athlete, and his performance seemed to inspire his teammates. Scheelhaase will become a really good quarterback with game experience. With the athletes that Zook attracts playing with confidence, Illinois is going to be a much better performer in 2010 than they have been for the last couple of years.  Mizzou took a long time to get going, and then it was too late for us.   The TD to cover never came, as Missouri ran out the clock and settled for 3 (and their 6th consecutive victory over Illinois), final 23-13, screw us. 

So the first lap is in the books and we're right where we started.

Reload and aim, we need to make money in Week 2.

Hey, Tennesse, Now I Hate Lane Kiffin Too!!!

Pete Carroll never did this to me.

We were having a great opening night.  Steve Spurrier's USC, after sputtering out of the gate, found their groove and did just what we expected, kicking the snot out of Southern Mississippi State.  Jerry Kill's NIU Huskies had an early chance, blew it, then never got back on track as the Iowa State Cyclones put up a nice "W". 

I'm with TN, despite the fact that they
misspelled "Woods". 

5 stars in the bank before the money team even kicked off!  What a great opener! 

Then the other USC and their unlikable chief, Lane Kiffin, did what Pete Carroll never did to us, never, ever.  They allowed the late game TD that blew the cover...and didn't come back and fix it.  Pete Carroll would have shoved that goddam ball right down Hawaii's throat and scored with 6 seconds to go in order to preserve the margin of victory. 

But not this guy.  He left me with a -4 at the top corner of my scoresheet, a number I have to look at for 15 weeks, and every time I look at it I will remember what he didn't do. 

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.  Tennessee, I embrace y'all.

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!!!

Witness the preferred presentation, with your chips
in the helmet and your lesser, variety type snacks
in the facemask reservoir.   This particular version
is the official endorsed Four Star Football model.

Bring out the football helmet chip bowl and the big foam finger, chill your favorite frosty beverage and stake your claim to the big screen.  Work your way into it slowly, it's a long season and you don't to sprain your remote thumb on the first weekend. 

Marshall at Ohio State

6:30 p.m. BTN (HD)

Minnesota at Middle Tennessee

 6:30 p.m. ESPNU (HD)

Northern Illinois at Iowa State **

6:30 p.m. (CSNC / CSNBA / FSN affiliates) (HD)

Southern Miss at South Carolina  *** 

6:30 p.m. ESPN (HD)

Towson at Indiana                    6:30 p.m. BTN  

Pittsburgh at Utah                   7:30 p.m. Versus (HD)

North Dakota at Idaho              9:00 p.m. ALT

USC at Hawaii  ****     10:00 p.m. ESPN (HD)