I started football Saturday with my trusty remote at my side and an optimistic outlook for our day's prognostications. The giggly outlook turned quickly.
Northwestern started out getting sliced up by Eastern Michigan's offense. The NU defense stiffened, EM missed a field goal and the 'Cats quickly put three TD's up on the board. I started worrying that the "under" bet was going to dissolve quickly.
Meanwhile, a steady rain fell on the Swamp, and footballs were falling from the grasp of Gators left and right. The lads from Troy State appeared to be gaining confidence in their bid to launch an upset of #1 Florida.
Back in Bloomington, the Lynch mob came out motivated and built a healthy halftime lead over Western Michigan. I left the TV behind and headed to a party at Cog Hill (thank you, Tracy & Sue).
We strolled over to watch Tiger hit a beautiful tee shot on the par 3 sixth hole. You know how irritating it is when you're watching golf on TV and you hear the morons yell "get in the hole!" after every shot? It is even more annoying to experience this in person, when it is hollered at a 244 yard tee shot whizzing through the air at 6 million miles an hour. If a golf ball had ears I hardly think that it would heed the demands of a screaming hooligan. The idiocracy apparently does not bother Mr. Woods, who navigated the newly redesigned Dubs Dread with a course record 62, hollering yahoos notwithstanding.
**** Florida -36 1/2 v. Troy, WINNER
It rained. Fumbles rained. It rained some more. Urban Meyer, who rarely looks happy, looks quite glum when he is wet and his team is somnambulent (click for edification). Tebow fumbled to start the second quarter. Troy was hanging just 4 points back. Urban was setting new lows in glumliness looking. Then the Gators hit the gas and didn't lift until they had earned us a four star winner 56-6. Just that simple. Chomp!
*** Northwestern and Eastern Michigan, Under 54, WINNER
I am going to look past the fact that I expected NU to give EMich a beatdown. I am going to look past the fact that NU squandered a big lead, butchered a punt reception, invited their guests to make a run at them and needed a 50 yard field goal in the final seconds to escape with a victory. All that is not so bad, as 27+24= 3 stars for my wagering team. NU better look out next week at Syracuse.
** Western Michigan +1 1/2 @ Indiana, LOSER
Indiana opens the season 2-0, good for them. Western Michigan spotted them a big lead and couldn't make it up in the second half, though IU was pushed as far as taking a safety in the closing minute and giving the visitors a couple of shots at a dramatic win. Final 23-19, Indiana wins and we lose. On second thought, screw Indiana.
* Air Force+1 1/2 @ Minnesota , LOSER
I am outing them, Minnesota has the most hideous uniforms in college football. They are the color of butternut squash, which is ok if one plans to chop up the offending item and cook it into submission, a treatment that I believe is highly inappropriate for offensive football clothing. I couldn't tell if the contrasting "overripened butternut squash" color on the shirts was from the players sweating or if it is a complementary built-in color. I recall that there is some revolting flavor of baby food that is similar in color to the uniforms. So nauseating is this color--and it is enhanced in its nauseatingness by HDTV, that I had to keep flipping channels to see some of the best looking uniforms in football, those worn by the Illinois State University Cardinals, and witness the arse-whipping they were getting from the Juice-less Illini.
Upon further review, the chameleon effect occurring on the uniforms is definetly caused by perspiration. Some of the laboring large lads were changing colors right before my eyes, like a tequila induced nightmare, and it wasn't pretty.
The game was 3-3 at the half, and Wayne Larivee had told us many times what a fine, historic football program the Squashtones of Minnesota had. Colorful, too, Wayne-O. Back on the field, Air Force scores. The Squash are sweating more, looking like a two color tie-dye job, but they retaliate. Their countermeasures are effective, and the game is tied early in Q4.
Suddenly, a fumble, and a Minnesota defender rambles 51 yards for a TD as Wayne-O screams apoplectic approval. 17-10, MN. Then a MN field goal, now 20-10. Looks bad, as our guys aren't tearing it up offensively.
Pause here for Messin' With Sasquatch commercial. I love the Messin' With Sasquatch commercials.
The defensive TD by the SquashTones proves decisive, 20-13 the final, and we don't get to even after Week 2. Let them have their day. I am reminded of the tale about the drunk who tries to start a conversation with a less than attractive member of the opposite sex, who rebuffs him, shrieking that he is clearly inebriated. The drunk rationalizes his rejection, informing the woman "That's ok. Tomorow I'll be sober, but you'll still be ugly."
Like those uniforms, and we shall battle another day.
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